I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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