I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
