So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
