He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
