I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
