I haven't been this sober since birth.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
