If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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