Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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