do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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