Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
