there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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