Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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