I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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