and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
if only i could text you this smell
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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