i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
