She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Randomize
