your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
