this boner is exhausting
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
