At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
