My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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