Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Semen is not good for contacts.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
