If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
