Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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