That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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