Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
