I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
This is my gift to your gina
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
