I wish my penis had an off switch
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
drinking out of a sandbucket again
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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