He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
