I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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