If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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