Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
