woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
