Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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