I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
