i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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