I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
