How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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