I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
