Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
