The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
