This girl is more easily done than said...
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize