I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
