In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
