I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
