You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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