meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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