Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
