I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
