dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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