You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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