Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
