First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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