The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
BRING THE BAGELS
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
