God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
