im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
