Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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