im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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